blue wednesday

My life is so lame. there, now I've said it. I'm bored and worthless and I don't know what to do with myself. Let's be honest - sometimes it's all I can do to get myself to leave the house for the day. When I finally sell this listing I have, I will officially have NO business. I can't seem to make myself motivate to make anything happen. I hate January.

Update on Wednesday, January 23, 2008 at 03:20PM by celine

I wanted to think about writing down some things that i think about in my head every day but that never come out. bottling up my feelings, as my former therapist would say. shoving everything into a closet until it overflows. so here goes.

1. I think I want to have a kid but it scares me. Pretty much everything right now goes back to this.

2. I am obsessed with moving b/c I can't see out of our place and it makes me f*cking nuts since I work from home. Also, if we want to have a kid we would have to move. No place to put it. I would rather move now and get settled instead of having to worry about it later while preggers but now it appears that it's going to take one to force the other.

3. I am worried that if I have a baby it will ruin my marriage. All my mother ever talked about was how having me and my sisters stretched out her vadge so that my dad didn't find her attractive anymore. This haunts me since my dad later had multiple affairs and they got divorced. So much so that I might have to find a doctor that would give me a C-section and would commit to it before the birth. Also, I'm small so maybe there would be some justification for it?

4. If my life ended today I would be disgusted at the fact that I never tried to write a book.

5. I hate myself for being scared to write and for not having the discipline to at least try.

6. Am feeling fat and trying to get myself re-obsessed with WW so that I can lose the 10 lbs I've gained since marriage. for some reason I like candy more than being skinny.

7. Part of the reason I want to move to fw is that at least then the pressure would be off - I could relax. but at the same time I would probs lose my mind b/c I would have nothing to do. Also, being that close to fam might not be so enjoyable.

8. I am afraid that if I don't work or do anything p. will love me less. I know he likes the go-getter side of me. I like it too, it just wears me out.

9. I feel trapped the cautious nature of p. sometimes. It's not good for me to to feel trapped.

10. I'm scared that I'll have a kid and then regret it.

Update on Wednesday, January 23, 2008 at 03:33PM by celine

*Also, I should note that I have PMS right now.*

best for last

I'm not really the type to make new years resolutions; when i make up my mind to change something, i usually just do it, no pomp and circumstance required. So, yesterday when i was pawing through my underwear drawer looking for a pair and rejecting most of them b/c they were too nice, a resolution that i'd begun to formulate in my head when we were in Argentina came back to me. i hereby resolve to quit saving the best for last.

I've always been a save the best for last type. If i had a bag of skittles, i would eat all of the orange, yellow and green ones and save the red and purple ones for last, b/c those are the best ones. When i go to put on underwear, i usually try to wear the rattiest pair i can, unless it's a weekend or a special occasion. Everyone has period underwear, but i have some real gems that need to be thrown away. However, i keep them to wear on a weekday when i'll probably just to to the gym and work from home and there's absolutely no possibility that anyone's going to see them. Except me. 

If i'm doing a wine tasting i will taste them all first and then drink the one i like the most last. If i'm eating lunch i'll save the french fries for the end and eat the healthy stuff first. If i'm putting on lotion i'll use all of my drugstore brand first and then use the lemony Bliss kind when I'm on vacation, or it's a special occasion. When you're always saving the best for last or the good stuff for a special occasion, you run the risk of missing out on it altogether.

Like the underwear thing. What's the point of me buying nice unds if all i'm going to do is continue to wear the ugly ones? If i'm going to see them everyday, shouldn't that be a good enough reason to wear them? I have gorgeous clothes in my closet that i've never worn b/c i didn't want to mess them up or ruin them; but what's the point of saving them if all they're ever going to see is the inside of my closet? Like the bottle of wine we brought back from Italy almost two years ago; I keep saving it for a special occasion. Why not enjoy it now?

When p. and i got married i wanted our wedding to be at the end of the summer (it was september 4) so that i would have it to look forward to through most of the year. Back when p. and i were dating i liked it best if he'd go out for the night with his friends and i with mine, so that at the end of the night we'd get to meet up and be together. I guess for me part of the fun is always the anticipation.

But with that said, i wonder how my life would feel if i quit always saving the best for last. I read once that for most people, it's not the things in life that you did that cause you lasting regret; it's the things that you did not do. A-ha! I have one big regret in my life so far, and it's that I didn't study abroad. Thus, true to human nature, I regret something I did NOT do. So, from now on, I'm going to try wearing my pretty underwear every day, eating the red & purple skittles first, and drinking the good wine with gusto. Because every day should be a special occasion.